It's 2:24am reporting live

from my bedroom

i've done alot of thinking. about us, and about our future. it hadn't been a smooth start and our relationship was made up of squabbles. we share affection from each other but could never fit together as 1 piece.... ever

it is time to have said "i have tried" instead of i am trying
i have been trying, for the past 14 months. i checked my inbox, and i saw the email which i sent to you long ago, when we were only 6 weeks into the relationship, and i broke down. why?

because things have not changed since then

I quote from my email:

"But each time i tell myself it's all worth it if I'm able to be with you. And yet, could you even count the days where we spent without having even 1 second of emo? I look at everybody else, they have been together for months and they only argue from time to time. Whats worse is that ours is not even an argument. I don't know what it is. Differences? Is that the word they like to use when people initiate a breakup?"

"i ask myself why many many times. Isit ME? Isit You? Is there anyone to blame? Or isit that we are not meant for each other. Each time i think of it my heart hurts alot...."

"and sometimes when you have your mood swings, im slowly beginning to wonder how i can cope with it. everytime im afraid that 6 mths down the road, or 1 year down the road,i cant take it anymore and i'll start scolding you. maybe right now at 6 weeks i still can take it. but times it by another 10 times and i wonder if i can do the same..."

"i wish the world could just freeze at that second, because im in bliss and i never want that to stop. but now is like 80% of time we're unhappy with something and only 20% happy. i wonder if thats the way it begins or what...."

"i only know that if you were to leave me. i'll have my time back. i'll have more sleep. i can play my games, watch my animes, go out with the few friends i have left. spend time idling at home and searching for people to chat online

but i can never fill up that emptiness in my heart if i dont have you..."

"I still havent let you seen my family yet and my annoying sister. i still havent said i love you enough yet. "

"Love
The silly boy who loves you more than his life"

it was a long email and i poured my heart out to write it. 6 weeks has long passed. 6 months also passed. we're going onto our 14th month already but still the email made so much sense. it makes so much sense that it scares me, for at 6 weeks, it was already pushing our limits.

Quoted from 1 mth anni:

"I can promise you that for the time that I’m with you, I’ll try my best to love you whole-heartedly and to make you feel happy. Although I know in all relationships not all of them work out, but I would like to have you known that I cherish this relationship very much because it means a lot to me!"

you sent me a meaningful story in the past, which i also found in my inbox. and i shall quote it as well:

" 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.'
Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears.
And you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think."

"Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. By this way we miss out some warmth in human relationship"

also. i'll quote parts of an email you replied me with:

"i want this relation to continue. as i said before, i only want you ... and no one else. i know alot of things' been happening. i will try my best to cope and at the same time, change my ways of doing things to make things better. but i need time. will you give me some time to try?

sry dear, didnt mean to hurt you so badly. im sry.. but i still love you. always will. no matter wad. i love you.."

its breaking my heart as i read and type this out, for i've waited so long for things to turn out better.

do you know how much i have already changed since then? whatever things you once disliked me doing, i've stopped them completely, for the sake of having you. for the sake of this relationship, i've been pouring my heart and soul in making it work, to make each day today a fruitful one, one that's not to have been regretted. but i've failed. maybe one too many times. it's hard to pick myself up again.

i've decided to give it only 1 final push. even though there were many strikes, it shall remain as two. this final stretch, will determine whether we should be with each other or not. otherwise it's just wasting each other's time, effort, emotions and money to keep something going that's not meant for one another.

7 October 2008, the day of enlisting, i shall be going into NS. the verdict shall be then. i'll give this 4 more months to allow itself to unravel its mysteries. if it doesn't work out, i would say that i've tried my best, and have given it ample time and opportunities for it to work out. i shall give you my blessings and move on with yet another phase in my life.

so let's not waste any more time shall we? let's give it one final push so that neither one of us will regret it. let's not take the time we have with each other for granted. i believe i've been doing that and will do it too, at least for 4 months more. i don't care if you despise me or not for throwing in the towel so early, but i want to say it's not easy. patience has been wearing thin, what seemed like a 6th week old promise has stretched for 14 months. something must be done immediately. 4 more months, that's all that i shall give. no more, no less. i believe it's fair.

and let me quote one last one for today. from Three Day's Grace - Never Too Late

"Now and again we try to just stay alive.
Maybe we'll turn it all around 'cause it's not too late.
It's never too late..."

"The world we knew won't come back
The time we've lost can't get back
The life we had won't be ours again"